Graduate School Despair.
Do you ever have one of those days where you feel kind of insane?
I have been working my way through a stack of library books all day, looking through the dense bullshit language for a few useful lines I can quote or put in a footnote. I’ve also been refreshing bullshit webpages I shouldn’t be wasting my time reading,making phone calls, drinking too much coffee, and otherwise employing my mind in useless and prob destructive ways.
I feel so panicky and sick. My stomach hurts. I feel kind of sweaty and gross. All I know is that in order to finish this chapter, I need some info to back up my premise, historical commentary mostly, and though I’ve wasted so much time reading/skimming countless bad smelling library books and looking at JSTOR til my eyeballs hurt, I can’t find whatever it is that I’m looking for. I know that it’s out there, and that I’ve probably read 87 things that would have done just fine. I don’t know what is behind my paralysis. I don’t know why I can’t just get shit done, or why I feel like someone as annoying as woody allen is doing a neverending standup routine in my head.
There are so many ups and downs (mostly downs, let’s be real here) in this process that it’s so easy to feel alone and overwhelmed, like you jumped off a cruise ship at night on a drunken whim. and now the boat speeds on, nobody knowing that you’re bobbing up and down in the black water, tipsy and stupid, all alone save your belly flop contest medal and the rolls you stuffed into your pocket at dinner.