on hope.

Yesterday I rediscovered an old mix tape cd from my undergraduate days.  These songs were the background noise for a really exciting time in my life.  I was getting ready to graduate, giving my passport a good workout every few months, and crizazy in love.  I felt so fucking happy and hopeful about the future.

Hearing those songs again after such a long time really jolted me.  I had forgotten what it felt like to be 21 and uncrushed by the world.  That electric feeling, like you’re going to go out and grab the universe by the balls and do all of this cool shit, just gradually faded away until I forgot it ever existed.  Then you wake up and it’s 10 years later and you feel trapped by the mundane nature of  your daily routine and all the shitty things you don’t really want to do but you’ve convinced yourself that you have to.  It’s easy to forget that you have a choice.

And this is fucking tragic.  I know that I whine and complain a lot on this blog, and I’m grateful to have it as an outlet, but just because academia is stupid and my adviser is stupid and my job is stupid, so what?

SO FUCKING WHAT?

I’m alive!

I have a place to sleep at night, food to eat, and someone to love.  I am fucking rich yo!  And as long as I’m alive, anything can happen!  I can do the things I was excited to do before I willingly let academia fit me for cement shoes.  I can change my job.  I can change who I associate with and try to think more positively.  Once I submit my thesis and finish teaching this semester, I can walk away from those things and try to find meaningful work that doesn’t give me restless leg syndrome.  Or maybe I won’t find meaningful work.  Then I can find something that I don’t mind and seek fulfillment elsewhere.

I AM ALIVE!  And if you’re reading this, you probably are too! This just gets better and better!

I’ll leave you with two of the songs that, 10 years later, still make me feel very fucking lucky that we are here and capable of making such beautiful things.